This shirt, let me buy it for you

But you wouldn't really wear it, would you? Maybe as an ironic gesture? To acquire sexual partners?

Operation the game freaks me out

Looks harmless, right? Oh pee, he kind of looks like a morbidly obese H1tler. Or maybe a Marx brother? What are you Mr.Operation guy?

Back to the inherent creepiness and horror that is Operation. First let me say that I like my games to not possibly shock and or startle me. Remember I have a strong
startle reflex and the few people who have 'snuck' up on me got harmed. Those are all the details I can divulge at this time regarding the harming, lawyers and cases pending and so forth.

Hey did I tell you I got myself a shark knife for Christmas? I need a special sheath made so that I can carry it around and cut things open, should the need arise. Check his little row of bone crunching teeth. Awww, so cute!




My daughter like most children of the world, even the ones who speak a dialect of tongue clicks love SpongeBob. So Santa, that wiley bastard brought Operation SpongeBob. Shudder. Being a Mother is one of the things I do best, unfortunately the pay sucks but, shaping little humans is what I do best. Bwahaha. So when she wanted me to play this, abomination with her, who was I to say no? Its a simple childs game. A game where you are, without proper medical training entrusted to taking out irregularly shaped innards and there are sparks and loud noises. Fun! My kind of game is Scrabble. I play it all the time. Scrabble, nice little squares and words to make!

SpongeBob is the eternal innocent. My daughter is a pro at this and besides her mountain of toys, she also received a first aid kit because she loves to wrap anything that can't get away quick enough up to 'fix' them.

Then, it was my turn. I forced a smile and cursed Santa. My hands only shook mildly and I got the first one out. WHEW. My daughter took her turn and aced it. Then it came my turn. I had to do some kind of brain surgery and it was all down hill from there. I screamed the noise was so loud when I touched the side. I saw sparks. My dog came running to me like I had been harmed or I had a meat product to give to her. The game continued as I sucked down my fear and loathing of this game.

Finally. The last organ was out. I told my daughter that we both won when she started gloating about how much Operation dough she had acquired. Then, I left the room, for a quieter place, without zips and zaps and SpongeBob.

I hope your Christmas was quiet much loved troopages. I lit a candle for you.

I am going to enjoy some egg nog (last night I had half a glass and fell asleep, thats how you party when you are 37) and read some of the tasty books I got.

Merry Christmas, truly. Next year, may yours be spent with the ones you love and far far from war and Operation games.

World War Z, winter training

Dear Troops,

The East East coast got a bunch of snow. I say, use weather emergencies to practice for the inevitable world war Z.

A) Freezing temperatures slow down zombies, frozen zombies = zombie popsicle
B) Snow as a natural barrier
C) You are stocked up and stuck at home. Time to rally the kids for some zombie drills!

Drills:
Build a truncheon, I read something about it being the best. Build snow zombies. If you have children, I am all for child labor. Safety first!


So, you have your snow zombies. Feel free to add some blood, fake is okay, I guess. Not everyone has a few pints of their blood type in the fridge, I guess.

If you have seen every zombie movie made in the entire world. You will have learned some things. First is that George Romero is a visionary. Also, that we WANT his vision of zombies to be true. Slow moving zombies.

Take turns whacking the heads off the snow zombies. They wont mind! Give family members tips on severing the brain stem.

Yes, Christmas is looming. It is terrifying out there. I was forced to go to the mall and it was awful. I had to go to a particular store because I was tasked with getting a female relative fancy smelly stuff from a store that every mall in the world has.

After being smashed into by atleast 5 overly caffeinated unaware consumers, I decided it was time to have my elbows out. I made my purchase and crawled like I was going underneath barb wire, out to the parking lot where my companion on this hellish foray swung the mighty PT Cruiser curbside and without stopping, I leapt into the vehicle and we were gone.

Its harrowing out there.

But, I guess you all understand harrowing.

Be careful, look out for each other and watch for zombies.

With gratitude and survivor mentality,

Rose

Which volunteer position to take a local VA?

I have many skills, none of them are profitable, besides writing. But thats another story for another day.

I want to connect with soldiering types who are getting services at the local VA.

The most appealing position so far is golf cart driver. I love golf carts, isn't it a shame I don't play golf? Not really, golf carts are very big in retirement communities. I have about 30 more years till then, God willing.

However, I could also do this:

Amenity Relief

Assist and support nursing staff on inpatient units by providing amenities and special attention to patients as needed. Open hours.

Van Drivers

Help drive outpatients receiving chemotherapy, dialysis, radiation therapy, and other outpatient appointments. To fill this role, you must have a current driver’s license, automobile insurance, and pass a physical examination. Hours are
7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. (dependent upon van/site location).

What position best suits my natural amusing personality, where I can provide hope and a reach around?

Solution: Delivering amenities via golf cart!

That Rose, always thinking.

Christmas Is A Dog From Hell

Dear Troops,

I hope you are keeping your head down and finding something to smirk, smile and laugh about - wherever you are.



Do you know the writer Charles Bukowski? He wrote the book 'Love Is A Dog From Hell.' You gotta love the title. A rake, a scoundrel, an extroardinary fellow all around.



This post has nothing to do with him.

As the frenzy of Christmas rises to a fevered Gregorian chant ala scary movie - I find that I am more excited about the less commercial aspects of Christmas.

For example, Christmas Cookies:



Please note, none of my cookies look like the above. My decorating skills are minimal. Not great to look at but tasty. Which can probably be said for any number of people. Bwahaha.

Complaining about the weather is another Christmas thing I enjoy doing. Usually people around here in the state shaped like a mitten are very concerned about whether or not there will be a WHITE Christmas. Like the g.d. song. We have had a taste of almost all of winters offerings in the past week. Below zero temps, snow, sleet, crazy wind causing power outages, rain sleet and slush.

Thats pretty much all you need unless you are a completist. Which would include full on blizzard, black ice and ice covered everything for a long period of time.

Here is what happens when ice covers trees, they get heavy and bend and all night you hear limbs and trees falling. Its beautiful but horrible.



For the past 20 years or so, it hasn't bothered me, but this winter, after I got a taste of my future home state of California, I flipping loathe the winter.

I even bought an electric blanket. This from someone who is a okay in short sleeves down to 25-30. Obviously I need more layers of fat.

Nah.

So, Christmas cookies and complaining about the weather. There is also loathing making out Christmas cards and being anti celebrating the New Year.

Each day my friends, should be looked upon as a New Year. We made it through the night, hallelujah. How can we make this day good or better then good?

Today I scrubbed my daughters room, re arranged furniture. All the while a Christmas cookie candle burned. The Christmas tree sent out its sweet scent and it got up to 30!

I can't complain, even when I do, these are all first world problems. The people who live me through all my ugly are here.

And here is a Christmas wish that this war will be over and that your deployments will be done and you will be home and have the opportunity to complain about Christmas.

I send out prayers and demands, safe safe safe, home home home.

Love and bah humbugs!

Rose

Getting a Christmas Tree

Dearest Troops, is it hand warmers, gloves, insulated boots, snowsuits, toque time where you are? It sure as heck is here. However, somene who is not me got the idea to get a Christmas tree.

Oh, the heady days of youth, when we would drive and drive and bicker and drive way out to the Christmas tree farm. Then we would come to blows over which tree to hack down. Not really. Well, mostly not really.

Clarrrrrrk!




This was after our brief dalliance with a live tree, that we watched slowly but thoroughly die over the months. Best m.o. get one thats already dead and smelling good!




It suddenly became winter yesterday here in southern Michigan. 28 was the high and by the time the Nutcracker got out, it dropped to 25. Ie: A bit nippley out, aka freezing my balls off. Mind you, I don't have balls, but have heard from menfolk about the legend of the frozen balls. Why am I going on about testicles? It might be the holiday cheer aka wine! Ho Ho Ho!




So, we went to the Airstream trailer with the trees all around it. The place we have been going for years. Besides the friendly staff you get a shot of peppermint schnapps or hot damn with purchase. I bet if anyone wandered into the airstream they would get a shot. Shots for everyone.


I am the tree whisperer. I home in, consider a few and then, there she is. Thee tree. Somehow I get the perfect height.



My work is done.

Time for fun.



The house smells good. The tree will be taken down and woodchipped for the trails in the park.

Love,

Rose

p.s. This has nothing to do with getting a Christmas Tree, but I love cousin Eddie.




This is mother f'n commitment my friends!

In the military, Strain Meets Resolve

Hello troopages, I thought this article in the NY Times might be of interest.

Its December first... And they are off! Hardcore shoppers, women who don their hideous Christmas sweaters and cardigans, with rudolphs frolicking and snowmen galore are out looking
for THAT PERFECT GIFT. Come hell or Walmart suffering a blackout.

I have made my list and you are all on the Nice list this year. Don't push it!

But seriously, I have made my list and all are thoughtful gifts for the people I love.

I bought a camo bandana that I keep by my computer, it keeps me constantly reminded of you, people doing hard work in a non friendly place. I send out prayers and demands as always and look forward to seeing everyone come home.

But it is an adventure, too. I am not saying it is a guided tour of Thailands temples complete with monkeys trying to steal your wallets, just that its an experience that you will tell your grandchildren about.

I remember my Dad and the bits and pieces he told us about the Korean War. They live with me forever and I can tell my kids that their grandfather opted for the Army instead of jail a long time ago and was a corporal radio man.

Stories. More stories.

I hope someone will bring me back some sand. Anyone?

Giving Thanks

You are wonderful. You bring light to the dark and you do it with grim determination and a good sense of humor. Many people depend on you and you keep going. Its tough as hell and boring at times and hot and cold and the people you love are far away.

You keep doing it. Moving forward.

You are amazing. From all the way over here, I can tell you are amazing. You are so awesome that your awesomeness glows. Thats how awesome you are.

I am thankful for your service. However you spent your Thanksgiving. Just think, you didn't have to deal with the relatives that you just can't seem to like. You love them, but you don't like them.

Thats okay awesome one. That is part of being human.

Thank you Thank You Thank You.

First world problems with Rose

Coming home from getting my daughters holiday photos taken with her tiny cousin, we were stopped for a long long time as hordes of people dressed in University of Michigan or Ohio state colors converged upon us. The stadium holds almost as many people as the entire city I live in.

I don't know about you but hundreds of people milling around my car makes me nervous.

Then I thought of you, the collective you, troops out there making those second to second decisions that change lives and I calmed the hell down.

Still, people milling, getting close.

I have determined that my 'personal space' is approximately 2 football fields. Its getting better as I get older.

More first world news!

I eat a very lean and mean diet. Fresh organic vegetables, fish, chicken, ICED TEA WITH EXTRA LEMON. However, tonight I got a craving so deep that I had to go through the drive through of a certain place that starts with M.

I was raised polite and I simply like being nice to everyone. I also speak clearly because I know that the radio comm might suck. Very clearly I stated my order. I read the order and then I did not get one thing that I ordered, outside of a lukewarm McFish or whatever they are called.

My teenager, thought it was hilarious and insisted I not go back around.

I got sweetened tea - UGH, this is Michigan people, the default is unsweetened. I ordered a large value meal because I wanted the g.d. glass, NO GLASS. Repeat, no glass. No pumpkin pie. Apple pie. My son got a oreo mcflurry.

So huzzah.

I came home to drink my woes away and guess what? The water cooler is empty! No glub glub of delicious cold water.

My teenager VOLUNTEERED to go get me some Smart Water (its gotta work some day - I WILL understand math) and almonds.

Peace is restored. I am not full of crapacola. All is well.

Tomorrow is pretend Thanksgiving. I will put on my purple tights (just the tights, nothing else) and go to my Moms for the annual eating of the bird. My little vegetarians will carb overload on mashed potatoes.

Silently, I will do what I try to do everyday. Make lists of what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I had the idea to make this blog. Even though I flail about, I hope my sincerity and concern comes through

I am grateful that it seems that the g.d. war is winding down.

I am grateful that there are more programs in place to help with the wounds inside, PTSD for example. I grew up with shattered Vietnam vets.

I am grateful that you get up every morning or night, wearing your uniforms and doing your jobs. I pray to whatever Gods are listening that you all come back whole.

Also, when you come back, make sure your order is correct before you drive away! Do NOT let them give you sweet tea if you want unsweetened tea!

Filling out g.d. Customs Declaration Form Help

Praise Jeebus, Good Goddess, Lakshmi, Oprah and whomever else lead me to this site. The hardest part about sending care packages to the much cared for troops is the form. I get all college exam-y about it and need easy to follow directions. I found them here:

Skip Cares And Makes Things Easy Peasy

Prose in 2 minutes

I never fell in love with war
Or the children burned and running
That man could kill and kill again.

The strength of men and women
Together to do the impossible with spare parts
Guts and caffeine.

Thats where the love comes in
If I could stretch these human arma so far
To over there, to provide protective barrier, I would.

Watch your 6's, bitches.

Adoringly,

Rose

Christmas in November

Ho Ho Ho!

As I put together 4 boxes of deliciousness, humor and good will, I can't keep thinking about how the whole Christmas thing starts around Spring. Or maybe the day after Christmas. This year being a huge economic bummer, except for the banks the gov bailed out. Or rather their CEO's.

Does anyone think that Christmas songs are so frigging sad? Not the intention misery inducing ones about a Mom wanting some shoes, but like 'Silver Bells'? I am sitting here trying to think about the best Christmas song ever. It dawned on me.



The Ramones, a perfect choice for all occasions!

Gabba Gabba Hey!

Rose Team: Force Of One

Dear Troops,

While you, much loved military folks are fighting the good fight and wearing sexy camo, I am in my pajamas with my super soaker plotting my next squirrel attack.

First though, let me say that I love animals. I have dogs and cats and I would have more because that would mean I would have more 'co workers' who didn't care that I 'wore clothes that were tank tops and pajama bottoms'.

Squirrels are another matter. The squirrels around here f*k with me. They are clever and cruel. One time, I spent good money on a squirrel proof bird feeder so I could watch birds eating in the bleak month of January. I put it up and the next day, it was gone. A trail of PREMIUM birdseed trailed off into the woods. Do NOT try to tell me it was neighborhood hooligans bird feeder stealing. I need only to drag my bat of justice down their sidewalk and smile while taking practice swings. Okay, there is one hooligan. I think he is on his way to prison or Boysville or wherever they send sociopaths in training these days.

I saw a squirrel walking slowly across the road today, so full of nuts and my pumpkins, it was all but staggering across the street. At this point in the nut gathering season, they can barely make it up trees. Sometimes they need a coupla running jumps. Then when leap from branch to branch you think a pterodactyl has landed they are so huge. I am talking big domestic cat, small dog sized.



In my constant efforts to give the squirrels boundaries, I have in a token of kindness, bought a pumpkin just for them to destroy, eat, roll in. I am not saying I know much about what squirrels do besides piss me off. They prefer the intricate and not so intricate patterns that we carve onto our pumpkins. I cannot be sure but they like mine the best. After a coupla days of running to the pumpkin and checking it out briefly, then running away, they start getting cocky.

They roll the pumpkins down the hill that is my front yard. In squirrel, that is akin to laughing in my face. This year, they had a 2 course meal with corn shucks. Yea, its on.

They also seem to like hot sauce alot. Because I sprayed the pumpkins with tobasco and if anything, they ate more and rolled more down the hill. We have black squirrels around here too, before I thought they were an exotic species who specialized in eating pumpkins. However, black squirrels are just like black.

Squirrel combatants is what this civilian is dealing with.

Emails printed and delivered to Marines

Taken directly from the site: "Family and friends of deployed Marines in Afghanistan & Iraq can NOW send a letter to be downloaded, printed, and ready for delivery, usually within 24 hours. THE SERVICE IS FREE, PRIVATE and SECURE."

Link To Moto Mail

Night people, Night Moves

In the article "The Evolution of Night Owls" in Psychology Today (Dec, 2009) states that a sudy proves that night people have higher iqs.

The accompanying photo is of a fellow mowing his lawn at night! Great idea, it would be a WONDERFUL way to let my neighbor who starts blowing leaves OUT OF HIS TREES at 6:30 a.m. that the muse strikes around midnight and she doesn't let up until 3ish.

An aside: Let me state for the record that I love my neighbors. The retired teachers main mission is lawn care. The other side is a local NPR on air personality, who has this sexy melting voice but is this tiny harmless looking lady woman. To my knowledge she has never blown Garrison Keillor nor does she have David Sedaris email address. Don't ask me how I know... Jokes people, jokes!

I don't mind him blowing the leaves out of the trees, I figure he is working through something. Or maybe he is REALLY into getting every single Fall leaf off his lawn.

Further on in the article: "Because the nocturnal lifestyle allowed by electricity didn't exist 10,000 years ago, we must now rely on general intelligence to override our early-to-bed instincts. So those with more of it stay up later."

For all you pulling the night shift, this song, is dedicated to you. Also, "The Bob Seger" is from my hometown of Ann Arbor Michigan. This one has easy to sing along with lyrics. Takes you to Summer, to being with someone who makes you gooshy in a good way. Good times to look forward to.

Night Moves,

Rose

Godzilla Love

Are you old enough to remember Saturday afternoon 'Creature Feature' chock full of B movie horror? Thats when I came to love Godzilla. Well, not at first love but now I have a deep down kinda love for Godzilla. As humans and potential Godzillas we all have these moments where we stomp towns, maybe on accident, maybe on purpose.

We must own our inner Godzilla and start again. So much of life is starting again, have you noticed?



What kind of manpower do we have in in Tokoyo ready to battle the big G?

Doesn't that little blue dino look like he is gossiping about how big the triceratops rear end is and is NOT paying attention to the strategy session? Make loud noises, breathe fire, crush cities, repeat.



I prefer blue flame bellowing Godzilla, for the record.

What is the back story of those girls who sang to Mothra to calm her the f down? I am writing ofcourse about the CLASSIC Godzilla vs. Mothra - now the Mothra song been remixed, re sung and botoxed.



Below I have done my best to interpret the song for you:

HumbaHumba!Moth-uruh!OooooWWWWWooooooooooooCalmthefdownmothraHumbaHumba!

Until next time, keep low, if bathing within an actual shower isn't an option, use baby wipes, go to sleep grateful,

Rozilla

I hear that the jambalaya MRE is pretty edible..

Dear Soldiers,

Hello, this is my first go. So here it goes.

I have been a patriot and American loving citizen since I was a tiny girl. My Father served in Korea, I would love to go through the things he brought back. I demanded to sleep on a army cot and somehow, my dream of being a cowgirl would also involve the military.

I am starting this blog because of something I saw on cnn.com, a soldier had posted an article titled 'Have they forgotten we are over here?' The answer is HELL NO.

I was packing up a box to send to some Marines (is Marines capitalized? Do no piss off devil dogs) last night and got this idea. My goals: To amuse, inspire and connect with soldiers serving. I have such gratitude for the work you do and I am fascinated and want to understand the experience of serving.

I am a writer, I work at home, work on a book, raise kids, get tattoos, sleep too much or not enough and read a lot. The novel in progress is called 'Godzilla And Me'. You will be hearing about it and those mountains I am climbing up to put down the words that have defined a bizarre and well lived life, so far.